Dear Potential Suitors

Look. Ok. I seem cool. I got some sparkle or something sometimes. Im educated and can laugh with the best of them. You may like to hang with me. I'm a cool chick. I get that. I get it. Really. I might seem like a pretty good catch. Ok. Alright. Let's chat for a second.

You know how they x-ray your baggage in customs at the airport? Here's what you see in my suitcase. I have been married FOUR times. I was divorced twice by 23. Four times before 40. I have 3 sons who are, admittedly, the only things I have somehow managed to not completely screw up. But I have 3 sons by 2 men. I have gone through the ringer with men and been through everything you can think of. Really. Ask me. Theres not much that isnt on my list. I refuse to ever get married again. My trust issues need their own set of luggage. My ability to believe any man will just be nice to me for any significant period of time is basically null. I'm a bit jaded. And a bit worn out. Ive had to fight my way back up on top way too many times. Im doing that again NOW.

I havent given up completely but Im going to make you prove yourself over and over again. Im not going to believe what you say about being nice to me. I definitely won't believe you if you start throwing feelings around. Im going to just take it for granted that you want to take me down and kill my sparkle. Im going to be a tough nut to crack. No. Seriously. Tough.

I talk too much. I can't let go of an issue unless it is resolved. I yell really loud in a scary and wholly authoritarian way when I get really angry. Men can rarely handle it. Sometimes I have full emotional meltdowns for a while and crumble in the floor and seem completely and totally batshit nuts for about an hour. I get my feelings hurt easier than expected sometimes. I have cellulite and stretch marks and scars. I chew my fingernails and my feet are always dirty and calloused. I dream big and can't stand routine.

Oh, and it's just flat a deal breaker for me if you aren't willing to chuck it all someday (sooner is better than later) and live on a beach somewhere. Because I WILL do that.

I am loud when I get drunk and totally make an ass out of myself and don't care. I mean, I REALLY don't care. I might blog about you. I tell my friends and children everything. I don't do drugs but sober people need not apply. I need someone to get a little crazy with.  Addicts and alcoholics can  move on down the line. I smoke cigarettes. Thats the only addiction I want in my life. I'm not interested in being your babysitter or doctor or your mother. Live with it.

Oh yeah. And I have a chronic disease that'll end up putting me in a wheelchair someday and has to already be managed.
I'm a hot mess. No, really, I'm a HOT FREAKING MESS. I cant imagine a single man who'd want THIS on their to-do list. But HEY, the suitors keep calling. Like vultures, really. Trying to scoop up the road kill. Oh yes, I said that. I meant it too. Road. Kill. 

Im flattered. Seriously. I am. It's lovely. But really. Come on. What the fuck are you THINKING???

If you've read all this and still think you want to call, go for it. Just know what you're getting into. Hot. Fucking. Mess.