Angelou and tall shoes

It is one of those days when I need to remember and forget all the knives thrown.
When I need to accept that the motivations weren't doing of my own.
One of those days I forgot for a moment that I am Beautiful and Free.
That I really am truly happy just being the me that's Me.

It's one of those days where memories are wretchedly searing through.
And causing me to wonder how people can do the things they do.
And why I can't forget or even if I should.
And whether I really need to sit around and brood.

It's one of those days where yesterday intrudes on my afternoon.
And makes me forget the present is all there is to do.
And tomorrow gets all clouded by the words that have passed.
And I keep from finding that joy of having peace at last.

So, Im listening to Maya Angelou
And slipping on some tall shoes
Letting this man adore me
Without questioning his sanity.

Dear Potential Suitors

Look. Ok. I seem cool. I got some sparkle or something sometimes. Im educated and can laugh with the best of them. You may like to hang with me. I'm a cool chick. I get that. I get it. Really. I might seem like a pretty good catch. Ok. Alright. Let's chat for a second.

You know how they x-ray your baggage in customs at the airport? Here's what you see in my suitcase. I have been married FOUR times. I was divorced twice by 23. Four times before 40. I have 3 sons who are, admittedly, the only things I have somehow managed to not completely screw up. But I have 3 sons by 2 men. I have gone through the ringer with men and been through everything you can think of. Really. Ask me. Theres not much that isnt on my list. I refuse to ever get married again. My trust issues need their own set of luggage. My ability to believe any man will just be nice to me for any significant period of time is basically null. I'm a bit jaded. And a bit worn out. Ive had to fight my way back up on top way too many times. Im doing that again NOW.

I havent given up completely but Im going to make you prove yourself over and over again. Im not going to believe what you say about being nice to me. I definitely won't believe you if you start throwing feelings around. Im going to just take it for granted that you want to take me down and kill my sparkle. Im going to be a tough nut to crack. No. Seriously. Tough.

I talk too much. I can't let go of an issue unless it is resolved. I yell really loud in a scary and wholly authoritarian way when I get really angry. Men can rarely handle it. Sometimes I have full emotional meltdowns for a while and crumble in the floor and seem completely and totally batshit nuts for about an hour. I get my feelings hurt easier than expected sometimes. I have cellulite and stretch marks and scars. I chew my fingernails and my feet are always dirty and calloused. I dream big and can't stand routine.

Oh, and it's just flat a deal breaker for me if you aren't willing to chuck it all someday (sooner is better than later) and live on a beach somewhere. Because I WILL do that.

I am loud when I get drunk and totally make an ass out of myself and don't care. I mean, I REALLY don't care. I might blog about you. I tell my friends and children everything. I don't do drugs but sober people need not apply. I need someone to get a little crazy with.  Addicts and alcoholics can  move on down the line. I smoke cigarettes. Thats the only addiction I want in my life. I'm not interested in being your babysitter or doctor or your mother. Live with it.

Oh yeah. And I have a chronic disease that'll end up putting me in a wheelchair someday and has to already be managed.
I'm a hot mess. No, really, I'm a HOT FREAKING MESS. I cant imagine a single man who'd want THIS on their to-do list. But HEY, the suitors keep calling. Like vultures, really. Trying to scoop up the road kill. Oh yes, I said that. I meant it too. Road. Kill. 

Im flattered. Seriously. I am. It's lovely. But really. Come on. What the fuck are you THINKING???

If you've read all this and still think you want to call, go for it. Just know what you're getting into. Hot. Fucking. Mess. 

The path

I cant say much these days. Mostly because what I say out here, to the world, can and probably will be used against me in a court of law... or civil law... or something. But I can't keep the muzzle on too much. It makes me a little crazy. I need my voice. So here's what I think I can say...

I have this belief that we are all always on the path we are supposed to be on. I don't know if that's God or fate or divinity of some other kind or whatever, but I do believe strongly that we are always on the path to where we are meant to go. Right now, my path is curving in a weird direction. Almost backward. Around in a circle. And it seems... odd. I certainly didnt believe I'd be on this path. I never thought I'd be tromping around in my hometown and it actually feeling a little too comfortable and home-like. I didn't think I'd be exploring possibilities of being around that way for any length of time. It's odd but the path is taking me there right now. Taking me to lots of things long past. And I'm just trusting it.

I think I have a lot less control over my path than I'd like. So many outside forces you have to manage to truly control your own path. And I gave up control of all that a long time ago. Im just trusting that this is all how it is supposed to go. There is some reason. It will all make sense later. I'll get back to the ocean in time and they'll be a reason I stuck around in nowhere, Texas for a while. They'll be a reason for that particular job response and that particular magnetism to an unmagnetic place. They'll be a reason. It will all makes sense.

But what a strange little path I just found myself on. Never say never. I learned that a long time ago too.