When I die

I don't expect to die any time soon but when I do someday, I have a few requests:
1. Donate any possible part of me for organ donation, science, whatever. I'd prefer to be useful.
2.  If there is some cost effective way by then, press parts of me into 3 jewels and give one each to my sons so I can be forever with them.
3. If those are not an option... do not embalm me! If I end up embalmed,  I swear on all the soul I have left that Im coming back to haunt whoever made that decision! Ill figure out a way! DO NOT preserve my body in an unnatural state after I have left it and moved on! Just dont!
*exception made if I'm donated to science. I get it. It'll be necessary to do something like that in that case. It's cool as long as I'm being useful. After I'm done being useful proceed to the other options.
4. Return me to the Earth. My absolute preference is to be buried in an unsealed box (or no box at all) so that my body can do what all bodies are meant to do a…

How to Life when You Don't Want To

It's 7:30am. My alarm has been going off for an hour. It stops giving me the option to put it off at 7:30 and puts a big red X on the screen to remind my sleepy brain that I can't procrastinate any longer. I have to get up and Life. Except, I know how to get around that mean little X. So, I punch the X in its big fat red face and I set a stop watch for 10 minutes. I just can't do it yet. I've been awake for the last hour laying here in my oasis I created for myself.
I don't want to Life today. Life feels too oppressive today. I want to stay here wrapped in my 5 pillow 2 blankets head to toe cocoon and hide from all that big, mean, scary stuff out THERE. In another year, another version of my life, I could have. I would have. I'd have stayed wrapped up in this safe hiding place until I had the courage to go out THERE. 
But it is not another year. I have to come out. I have to life. Probation is waiting for that fax from me to send a client to jail and probably…

My 12 Acceptance for this Today

It's been a difficult day. I'm not yet ready to talk about it. I'm hurt and having to remind myself of what's healthy for me.  So I'll simply share my acceptances for today. 1. I accept that people in my life are free to make their own decisions and are responsible for their own actions. I do not have control over them. 2. I accept that they may not and do not have to acknowldge their behavior and how it may affect me and this is not in my control. 3. I accept that their behavior about them and not about me. 4. I accept that, today, right now, it is harmful to me to be around and be subject to the behavior of certain people and I cannot maintain control if I am without help. Because of this, it is best that I try to avoid any exposure to this behavior until I am better able to manage it and it is less harmful to me. 5. I accept that I must maintain healthy boundaries that are good for me in order to have any type of relationship with these people in the future…

Making it Through

Making It Through Hard Times January 27, 2011 One Breath At A Time... They say when climbing Everest, the struggle is so much that you concentrate on nothing but breath. One then the next then the next. You labor to just make it through the next breath so that you can then make it through the next step. You take a step and stop then again until you have reached the top. You are nothing but lungs and breath. You are not thinking of money or your dry cleaning, the dishes or what you will eat for dinner. You are not thinking of how your spouse has offended you with an offhand comment or what car you’d like to drive. You’re thinking only of the breath you are in. You have pushed yourself so far that the air is almost too thin to sustain. But you keep going, not down, but up. You take a step then stop and breathe. You go up. On the summit, you are essentially dying, but you go up. Because on the summit, the peak is there. The end. The top. The place few others have seen. The closer you ge…

Still my little blonde firecracker

And still... going into college. My little blonde firecracker.
Raising myself Updated on May 11, 2012 Paying for my raising more and more... I’ve learned that there is little that can help you learn about yourself more than raising your children. My son. My darling little blond-haired firecracker. My sweet little man who inspired me more by his mere birth than anything ever has or will. My baby… Is turning into a teenager. He yells and screams. He says things to me that he knows will hurt me and he says them because he knows they will hurt me. He looks me in the eye and tells me, in his own way, that he thinks I am stupid and old and can’t understand. He looks at me as though I’ve slighted him. He looks at me like it hurts him somewhere inside to have to tolerate me. He looks at me like he wishes I would disappear so he could go on with his self. Talk to his girlfriend. Keep his secrets. Throw a football to his friend and use curse words. He looks at me like I can’t possibly understan…

Old writings

I'm deleting some writings from an old blog so I'm putting the ones I care to keep here. Perhaps the best explanation of codependency I've ever written. 
Codependent May 11, 2010 A dream metaphor I had a dream last night. I was in a counselor’s office and I was fumbling and bumbling with a piece of kleenex that I’d been crying into. I was working out how I could manage. Working out how I could move forward. The kleenex started sticking to my finger and wouldn’t come off, so I flung it in an ashtray. In the ashtray, it caught on fire. I kept picking it up and trying to put it out, but it wouldn’t go out. Every time I picked it up, it would catch more on fire. So I said aloud, “I’m just going to let it burn itself out.” And so I let it burn. After just a few seconds, the entire ashtray caught on fire. I started trying to put out the fire and it wouldn’t go out. All the things I did just made the fire spread and burn stronger and hotter. I went to the sink and filled a cup wi…

Polar Bear in a Snowstorm

So I was looking through an old blog and came across this post. I wrote this years ago.... It's interesting. I remember feeling this way pretty much all the time. Like I was too tired, too worn, too fuzzy to move forward. I wrote it in a time when I wasn't really battling with any real emotional things. It was just life that was wearing me out. So. Very. Tired. I know why now. And I don't feel like this anymore (or well, most days anyway). I remember distinctly telling my doctor; "Look. I just know something is wrong. Other people can get get up in the morning and do normal life things and still have energy. I don't. Haven't for a long time." Heh. There's a diagnosis for that. And although I'd always suspected it was some sort of manifestation of chemical depression, turns out, it was just two little asshole letters: R.A. 
Polar Bear in a Snowstorm
Some days it's hard doing it on your own On days like today, I just don’t know which way to face…