The updated Bucket List.

Ok. So I have a substantial list of things I want to do before I die. I have this tendency to lose things. The first page of my written "bucket list" in my tiny journal finally came unattached. There is one thing I never want to lose; my dreams. So I am putting it here for safe keeping and so I can keep track of my progress. Share your bucket list items with me!
Got any suggestions? (or even know something I did that I need to add to done, but didn't think of?)

* I think you'll get the drift, but the bolded items are yet to be completed. The rest are done, done, DONE*

1. Go to Fiji. -2013
2. Kayak Fijian Island - 2013
3. Climb a Pacific Mountain
4. Climb a 14er or up.
5. Hug a monk in Tibet.
6. Backpack multiple days with no tent - multiple dates
7. See the Mavs play courtside
8. See Raining in Baltimore performed Live
9. Meet Adam Duritz, ask him to play that song for me - 2013 (Note: I did this but the concert that night was rained out so no Raining in Baltimore.)
10. Write something meaningful - multiple dates.
11. Get published and paid to write - beginning 2002. Continuing. (Right now even) 
12. Visit every continent. Even the cold one if at all possible. (Cliche I know. I don't care.) 

13. Put my feet in the sand on a deserted island. - 2007

14. Face my fear of heights in some way. (Rappell again or sky dive? Omg. Skydive Everest? Only if I win the lottery. It costs 25k.)

15. Snow board. - 1998
16. Snow ski - 2010

17. Rock Climb - numerous beginning 1995

18. Kayak a waterfall - 2009

19. Dog sled

20. Stay the night in an underwater hotel. 

21. Change someone's life for the better - done- verification of completion criteria is being thanked and told I did change a life.

22. Become a Divemaster -2015

23. Become a Dive Instructor - 2015

24. Have a beach house in another country. - 2014

25. Go to Everest Base Camp. (Yes. Just base camp. Don't scoff. That's over 17,000 feet.)

26. Dive with sharks - 2013, 2014

27. Go shopping in Paris. 

28. Sing on a stage - 2012

29. Ride a dolphin - 2014

30. Ride a stingray - 2007

31. See the Dalia Lama in person. (Bonus for actually meeting him, but I'm being realistic here.) 

32. See the Saints play at the Dome. 

33. Go spearfishing (Technically I did this, but never saw one fish to attempt to spear so it doesn't count.)

34. Own a sailboat. 

35. Climb a mountain and dive in the same week. (I envision this in New Zealand, but I won't be picky)

36. Survive in a tent for a week on a mountain. - 2008
37. See a show on Broadway. 
38. Leave someone a $100.00 tip for a good reason - 2014 
39. Learn how to day trade on the stock market - DONE
40. Dive (not snorkel) with Whale Sharks.
41. Attend a symphony, ballet, musical, and opera.  (Various dates. No opera yet)
42. Graduate College - 2006
43. Read at least 100 of the Greatest Novels of all Time (I'm really not doing well at keeping track and don't have a good list for reference, but I'm sure I'm making decent progress on this)
44. Zip line over a jungle - 2014
45. Sail on a pirate ship (10 days 2007)
46. Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. 
47. Celebrate Carnival in the Carribean - 2007
48. Experience a (small) hurricane. 
49. Take a multi-day kayak trip, no tents, sleep riverside. - 2009
50. Live in a foreign country. - 2014/2015
51. Attend a poetry slam. -2018
52. Quit smoking FOR GOOD.
53. Dive in the Galapagos (preferably with a penguin). 
54. Own a pair of Louboutins - 2013
55. Kiss a monkey (2014)
56. Shoot a legit machine gun - (numerous. First time in about 2005)
57. Go on a Buddhist retreat
58. Drink absynthe. 
59. Have sex in: an airplane, a public bus, a public park, an ocean, a beach, an airport bathroom, pay by the hour motel, a taxi, at the summit of a mountain. (Don't judge me!) 
60. Put a dollar in a G-string at a strip club. - DONE!
61. Climb ONE of the 7 summits. 
62. Learn Spanish. 
63. Take a passenger train anywhere. - 2016
64. Get naked on a nudist beach - 2007
65. Dive the: Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Red and Mediterranean. 
66. Stage Dive, crowd surf and land in the mosh pit - first time, tripping daisy 1996 - numerous times. 
67. Make it to a 5 year anniversary. (Again. Let's not judge)
68. Dance on a bar and a table - 1997
69. Get a tattoo in a foreign country - Mexico 2014
70. Go to every place in the song Kokomo (Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahama, Key Largo, Montego, Kokomo (this place isn't real to the best of my knowledge but I've been to the keys.. so maybe that counts?? ), Port Au Prince.
71. See the Northern Lights in Iceland.
72. Go to the Shannon River AND do the Golden Mile in Ireland. 2017
73. Lift a kilt in Scotland.
74. Ride a camel in Egypt.
75. Smuggle something across a border. - (I plead the fifth!)
76. Attend Oktoberfest in Munich.
77. Scuba Dive in Cuba! 
78. Eat Pasta in Italy. I mean.. and some other cool stuff.
79. Do something in Bali. I don't even care what. 
80. Do something I swore I'd never EVER do. -Done. 
81. Write a memoir. 
82. Dive the Great Barrier Reef.
83. Get married somewhere where it isn't legal (like Tahiti) because it doesn't count. :D
84. Spend at least 3 months in Nepal.
85. Hop a plane to Barcelona because the city's a drag.
86. Be in the rain in a rain forest. 
87. Do something on someone else's bucket list with them. - 2017
88. Refuse to wear shoes for a week.
89. Own a cat. -2015
90. Do a workaway job.
91. Give away and/or sell all my stuff and leave the country for at least a year.
92. Bonaire.
93. Epic solo road trip - 2018

94. Own a bloodhound.- 2016

95. Truly forgive everyone. -2018

96. Paint a mural.

97. 

98. 

99.

100.

How Getting Selfish Changed My Life.

“Nothing resembles selfishness more closely than self-respect” - George Sand

Pre-warnings: 
I will warn you in advance. This is going to get a bit confusing. And you're probably going to judge me. And I don't care. That's kind of the point. This is all about me. Except it didn't turn out to the way I expected. 

Warning number two: The first part of this is about my bowel movements. Yeah. That's right. And I do have a point. Power through the next paragraph.

Getting Selfish: 

For about 9 months, I was constipated. I don't mean a little constipated. I mean, I had to take medication on a regular basis to poop because I couldn't. I had never been constipated in my life and suddenly, I had chronic constipation. I didn't understand it. I didn't know why. I did all the tips and tricks and medical things that they tell you to do, but it wouldn't go away. When I moved to Mexico, it didn't happen anymore. As a matter of fact, I felt like I was purging. I felt relieved. (No, not Montezuma. Not that. It wasn't what you are thinking). But then, the couple of times I went back to Texas, I was constipated again. It wasn't until my husband came to Mexico for a few days and I got constipated HERE that I realized. The day he left, I pooped 6 times. It was my body telling me what I already knew. I was emotionally constipated. I was holding back. I wasn't being healthy. I was doing stuff all wrong. And my crap was letting me know about my crap. 

I ran away 6 months ago. We can go into why as much as you want, but I am going to put it down very simply for you. I chucked my "life" and uprooted my children and moved my ass to Mexico.  The plan was not to stay here. The plan was to live here as a vacation home half of the time. The plan was to have half of my dream. I say half because my dream was to live at the beach, always. To become a dive instructor. To live a simple life in simple places in the bright sunshine and blue water. My dream was to live out the rest of my days traveling around from beautiful place to beautiful place year after year and never looking back. My dream was to NOT settle because I didn't HAVE to. My dream was for freedom and all things lovely. But my dream was to do that AFTER my sons were grown. For now, I wanted half my dream. A vacation house near the beach. I wasn't that picky about which beach. My now-estranged husband picked this place, actually. I didn't. I was leaning toward Equador. I let him have his choice.

It all started with finding out (unofficially, the official part came later) I had this chronic autoimmune disease. I tell you this in case you've never read my blog and don't know me at all and didn't already know that. It started because I learned this and had seen my grandmother and her sisters with this disease and I lost my mind a little bit. It started because I had an existential crisis. It started because the seemingly unlimited amount of time I thought I had to go get my dreams suddenly got a LOT shorter in my mind. It also started fairly rationally. I was losing my mind, but I rationally started this journey. I rationally sorted out how this was going to be part time and a good decision. I even had the family make a Pro and Con list and agreed not to do it if the vote wasn't unanimous. It was unanimous. But then things got REAL. 

And I got selfish. Yes, I'm saying out loud (Ok. typing it out loud.) I got selfish. There was resistance. MASSIVE resistance from all sides against this. The unanimous decision very quickly became an "It is me against the world" scenario. Everyone (save my 11 year old) was suddenly angry, bitter, resentful, and started to view me as "ruining THEIR lives" and "taking EVERYTHING away from THEM." My parents and my oldest son are still pissed and haven't come around. My husband and I are separated. Once, for a day or two, I caved. I gave up on my dream and decided to let them have their way. To let them take it away from me. But then, I got selfish. I mean REALLY selfish. I decided that I was GOING to go after my dreams NO MATTER WHAT and they were just going to have to deal with it. I'd had ENOUGH of living for everyone else and ENOUGH of not getting what I WANTED. It was time for a genuine, as-yet-undetermined-length-of-time toddler fit. It was time for ME to care about ME. 

For the first couple of months, I had a very hard time wrestling with being selfish.  I am not good at being selfish. I am GOOD at letting other people tell me what to be happy about and what not to. Even if I raged outwardly against it, the guilt and judgement ate me alive. I was good at letting my kids have whatever they wanted. I was good at letting my husband tell me what I would and would not do, say, think, feel. And I thought I was right to do that. The expectation, after all, is to live for your children and your family. The message I've always received is to "submit to your husband" and to be a "good" mom by giving and sacrificing anything and everything. The expectation I have always been taught is that you are to think of your children and family first and you last, if at all. And I was getting really good at it. I was rationalizing it. I was justifying it. I was proud of how much I spoiled and pandered to my children and how much I was sacrificing in martyrdom to my husband. Even my extended family, who rarely approves of me at all, actually praised how I was living my life. I really believed I was happy, until I wasn't.  My days became empty and I was miserable. I  had to accept the fact that I was truly miserable. But I still believed I could just "give" more of me to THEM that I'd be happy. I BELIEVED THAT. (facepalm) And then I got constipated.

I'm not sure how I powered through the wrestling part and stayed selfish. I had guilt being thrown at me from every side. I was under attack by those who wanted that miserable me who gave everything until there was nothing left for me to stick around. I wavered to the point that I became completely unpredictable. But I stood my ground in the end and got back up when they knocked me down.  I think I accomplished this through a combination of resentment, anger, mortality facing, a deeper sense of what really was right, an outlook of "everything works out in the end", and a really deep realization that I was completely miserable kept me afloat. It was my time. It was time for me to have. It was time to stop giving to everyone and give to myself. I don't regret it for a moment. And I still cling to the idea that everyone will eventually come around and everything will work out in the end no matter what. Yes, my oldest son is still under the impression I'm "ruining his life." Yes, my husband and I are separated. Yes, these things still make me cry. Yes, I still have days that I am unhappy. But, in general, I am the happiest I've ever been and being selfish has made all the difference. 

Turns out, chasing my dreams and making myself happy first has had side effects that I didn't see coming. The world didn't end. As a matter of fact, the world and I just got better.

How I Changed: 

I have undeniably become a more authentic person. Oh, I've made some bad decisions along the way. I've done some seriously uncharacteristic things. I've gone all the way down to my primal self and hit a serious raw place. I've stumbled and fallen (literally and figuratively). I've said dumb things and raged and isolated and clinged and begged and pushed away and self destructed. I've gone though every emotion I think I am capable of, but in the end, I find myself HAPPY. Actually, really HAPPY. (with regular bowel movements, thank  you very much).

I found happiness INSIDE MYSELF. I learned how to be alone. I learned how to rely on myself only for happiness. I didn't just learn how to eat a meal alone or sit alone in very social places, but I learned how to really be HAPPY alone. Before that, I pinned my happiness to the happiness of others. I still find myself feeling a twinge of guilt and pain if my children are unhappy, but I'm learning that I am not responsible for their feelings. I am, in fact, only responsible for mine. I faced the fact that kids, especially teenagers, are going to be unhappy sometimes. 

Unhealthy attachment to another human is BAD. Very bad. VERY VERY BAD. Centering your life around another person and sacrificing so much for them is recipe for misery. A recipe I've cooked up too many times. A recipe I am afraid I've taught my children and hope to unteach them somehow. Healthy love understands. Healthy relationships compromise. Healthy relationships allow for freedom and movement and are free of guilting and shaming and coercing and threatening and manipulating. Healthy relationships are free from obsession and insecurity. These relationships can exist. You can stop allowing these things to happen. It is possible. It's harder to unravel once it is wound tight into the relationship but I believe it is possible to unravel. And there's no time like the present. 

I found out that what I want doesn't cost very much and material things don't matter to me one damned bit. I left most of it back in Texas and if I never see it again, it doesn't make one bit of difference to me. I simply do not care about them. I care if I can eat. I care if I can pay the basic bills. I care if I can write. I care if I can meet and talk to people. I care if I have friends. I care if I can dive, swim, lay in the sand, laugh. But I don't give a damn about my Louboutins or my Mini or my  kayak or my Vera Wang dress. I found out happiness is relatively free. I think I knew that once before, but it got somehow drown out in the material world I used to live in and have let go of. (Thank Buddha) 

I found out that guilt and shame are bullshit, useless emotions. What is done is done. What has hurt others has hurt others. Bad decisions I've made are in the past. Things people have said to shame me is their problem and has little to do with me. Opinions are opinions are opinions and that is that. I've been criticized on every possible level for as long as I can remember and probably before I can remember. I have been shamed and guilted and beaten down and bullied into "changing this" or "accepting that" and HATING MYSELF. Well, here's a big middle finger to that. AGAIN. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of my body, my mind, my bad decisions, my ridiculousness, my past, my present, my parenting skills, my life skills, my overabundance of marriages, my scars, my honesty, my life, myself. I am not ashamed. I have done things wrong. I admit it. And I ACCEPT IT. I am imperfect. I admit it. And I ACCEPT IT. Sometimes I'm downright RIDICULOUS. And I ACCEPT IT. Everyone has their own motivation for trying to tear others apart. And I can see past them now.  No more self hate. No more shame. And no more accepting anyone else's shame as my own. Yay me! It turns out, I'm my #1 fan. It's AWESOME! No, it truly is. Again. 

I found out that my dreams are real. I've been dreaming of certain things since I was a child. And a lot of those dreams are being realized. And it turns out, it wasn't bullshit. I didn't "think" I wanted something and then it turns out I didn't. No. I am not only starting to live my dreams, but I'm working toward living more of them and I am not disappointed. I couldn't be more grateful. I have personally witnessed a few people melt down and realize that the thing they've always dreamed wasn't what they wanted at all. Heh. How sad for them. Not this girl! My dreams are more fulfilling than I ever dreamed of. Life is still happening. I'm not in rapture or nirvana. But I find that putting myself in my dream setting makes the messy parts of life a LOT easier to deal with. 

Life is short. Too short to live for everyone else.
"Home" is an awfully flexible concept.
Stability is created by you, not by anyone else.
The mind is a powerful thing. A truly, truly powerful thing.
And finally...
I am, in fact, not ruining my children's lives. And they'll thank me some day. Some sooner than others.


Conversations with my children: 

I've spent the better part of today prepping to write this article talking about my own selfishness. I sat down with two of my sons and asked them a lot of questions. I expected to get a strong beating from them about how my selfishness has hurt them. How they wish I'd go back to being constipated mom. What happened, in fact, was almost the exact opposite. The conversation had a bit of criticism. It contained a little bit of negative. But, overwhelmingly, I felt like I had become a better mother. (Caveat: I had this conversation with my two sons who have been with me through it all. The two who, regardless of how much they may have wanted to resist in the beginning, didn't have a choice in the matter at all and were "stuck" with me and whatever I did. I wish this had been the case with my oldest son as well. Or even my husband. Then maybe today's conversation would include more people. Maybe someday. Until then, I will rely on them to be the better witnesses. They've been here through it all.)

"Letting go of getting everything" 
As I've said, I was met with great resistance at first. Today this is the conversation: "Yes, at first I thought you were being selfish. I was really angry." My son felt like I took everything away from him just so I could have what I wanted. He said, "I still don't like that you aren't giving me everything I want." And I asked him, point blank, "But do you really think that is a bad thing?" He laughed. "Well, I'd still rather have anything I want but that's probably not good." So I asked him if he thought he'd been spoiled. And he admitted he had been. "It is funny. All I wanted at first was to go home and I really was mad. But now I wouldn't want to go back home and stay. I love living this way. I like the lifestyle of moving around." My youngest son has always been on board. He admitted, "I thought it was scary at first but it was still cool. I was never mad about it. I've always thought it was cool." 

"Stability is not a place." 
There has been a lot of talk centered around "stability" in my life. Yes, it has been unstable at times. It has been turned upside down and backward. My children and I have had the rug pulled from under us a time or two or three or seven. But the overriding lesson I've learned from this is that "stability" isn't about a place. It is about family. My oldest son also says with much conviction that he wants "stability" and that is why he is so resistant to this lifestyle. He wants to have roots in one place. So I asked my two younger sons about this. They kind of looked at me like I was an alien. My youngest son said "It doesn't matter where I am as long as I am with my family." As an 11 year old, you couldn't ask for a better definition of stability.  "Stability is not a place." I think instability is created sometimes in our own minds. Sometimes "family" is taken from us and it is beyond our control. That feels unstable. That feels out of our control. And you have to restabilize after that. But sometimes, I think, it is a choice we make. Stability is being rational and ok with your choices to be away from family as you get older and grow into adulthood. Stability, in adulthood, is making the decision to feel secure and happy where you are. Even when the rug comes out from under you, stability is a choice you make to remain in control of you. It is certainly not an address. A life lesson I'm glad that (at least 2 of) my sons are learning early. "Through everything, we have always been together. We still are." 

"I feel like I know you more as a person now."
"I like Happy Mom better" 
This one surprised me. I asked them how they thought I had changed and they both said that I seemed happier in general. "Yes, you have days when you aren't happy, but you are happier. And I like Happy Mom a lot better." They also said that they liked how much more "free" I was now. I wasn't sure what that meant and they said they felt they knew me better as a person now. I wasn't just Mom who did mom things, but I shared real life thoughts with them and didn't try to protect them from who I was as a person. "You share things with us that you didn't share before." They are right. I am more free with who I am and to share what I am thinking. They are learning a lot about me as a person. They are learning that I am a human too. And I think there's very little more important to know about your parents than that they are imperfect, foulable, feeling, thinking HUMANS who are also swimming through their own lives. And, I like Happy Mom better too. When I asked them what they thought the goal of life was, they both said "To be happy." They DO listen to me! 

"Life is messy and it changes without warning you." 
I asked my sons why they thought we were living this way now. 11 year old answer: "Because you got that disease and blah blah blah." This made me laugh. Then I, being me, made him replace blah blah blah with real words. "Because you got that disease and you realized that you might not be able to do the things you wanted to do later, when we are grown." Yes, they do listen to me. He then surprised me by adding "I am kinda glad that we get to do it with you instead." I can't lie. That made me smile. A lot. I wouldn't have expected that they'd want to go off and live my dreams with me. I'd felt so selfish. I WAS being selfish. Turns out, they "kinda" wanted to be around while I lived them. And I'm glad they get to be here too.

"But are YOU happier now?" 
I asked both of my sons if they felt like their lives were better before or after we embarked on this lifestyle. They both overwhelmingly said that they thought it was better NOW. (I didn't have to ask my oldest son, I know he would say no. I still have hope, but 2 out of 3 isn't bad.) They didn't overwhelmingly give me all positive. I don't want to give the impression they did. They had their complaints. They didn't get to see their friends for long periods of time. Moving to a new country had been scary. I wasn't giving them everything they wanted anymore. They were having to take on more responsibility for themselves. But even inside those, it seems they've learned lessons about life that they might not have otherwise. 

What they shared that they learned: 
Life doesn't have to have limits.
You don't have to not take risks just because it is scary. 
Being around new and different people all the time is fun.
They're healthier here. Walking and eating less. The American lifestyle isn't the only one or the best one. 
Learning doesn't have to be in a classroom or boring or about tests. "I'm actually good at school" 
You find happiness by doing what you truly WANT.
Until you are an adult, you need guidance and as you get older, you need more independence. (Yes, my son said that). 
Foreign places aren't as scary as they seem. They're actually pretty cool.
It doesn't matter how much money you have. You can still be happy.
Flexibility is good. 


And here's another disclaimer as I always put at the end of these ebook length confessions:  I know, for certain, that at least 2 to 4 other people have a different side of this story. My oldest son could probably write an equally long essay outlining how I have, in fact, ruined his life in every way and am still being completely selfish. My now-estranged husband could probably rant all day in opposition of this whole thing. My mother, sorry mom, probably has a list somewhere of all the mistakes I'm making and prays for me every night. But, as the saying sorta goes: It's my party and I'll SMILE if I want to!

Getting selfish hasn't turned out to be so bad and it didn't, in fact, cause the world to end. Stay tuned... maybe those other guys will come around. ;)

PSS. I'm still screwing up. And I think that's alright. 

Love and Happiness

I've been accused a time or two of centering my life around relationships, love, and men. Maybe it is true. I have spent a great deal of time, energy and myself investing in boom or bust drilling into a relationship. Most of my wells have dried up and left me to start over again and look for another place to drill. It is true. Maybe I have always been addicted to love. Might as well face it. But, I look around and realize, I'm not alone. I've had 4 conversations today. 2 with people in new relationships. 1 with a person divorcing. And 1 with a married person struggling. Its 2:30pm. This is all pretty typical. These conversations.

We are just animals, after all, doing what animals do; looking for a mate. Something primal in us is seeking it all the time. But we are intelligent. We have free will. We know of this thing called happiness and we want to find it and keep it. This complicates that mating process. As the years go by, our hormonal, natural, primal instict toward mating and thus love gets convuluted by experiences. Some of us give up altogether on the idea of love and gravitate toward meaningless human connection to satiate the need to mate. Some of us keep searching for love and hold on to the notion that mating is sacred and supposed to be for life. Some of us lick our wounds and hide in our dens as long as we can stand and rage against the very idea of love and mating and human connection. But all of us have an opinion. All of us have a strategy. All of us center on it at least a little bit. All of us.
Look around. Look inside. It's true. Love or lack thereof is tied to so much of our lives. Look around. I'm trying to pull away from it but I recognize it deep in my core. The need. Basic animal need.

My 12 Acceptance for this Today

It's been a difficult day. I'm not yet ready to talk about it. I'm hurt and having to remind myself of what's healthy for me.  So I'll simply share my acceptances for today.

1. I accept that people in my life are free to make their own decisions and are responsible for their own actions. I do not have control over them.

2. I accept that they may not and do not have to acknowldge their behavior and how it may affect me and this is not in my control.

3. I accept that their behavior is about them and not about me.

4. I accept that, today, right now, it is harmful to me to be around and be subject to the behavior of certain people and I cannot maintain control if I am without help. Because of this, it is best that I try to avoid any exposure to this behavior until I am better able to manage it and it is less harmful to me.

5. I accept that I must maintain healthy boundaries that are good for me in order to have any type of relationship with these people in the future.

6. I accept that these boundaries are necessary and that consequences are necessary and must be followed through with if boundaries are not respected.

7. I accept that although I cannot have any control or "fix" anyone else, I can and will strengthen myself to be able to manage my own feelings and reactions, both external and internal, to maintain my own health and sanity and not become sick.

8. I accept that regardless of what is said or done to me, I am capable and willing to believe I am a whole person that I can trust to make decisions about my own worth and life choices.

9. I accept that I am responsible for my feelings of self worth, guilt, shame, worthiness of love, anger, sadness, and happiness and that I will trust myself to safely decide which feelings are appropriate and healthy and not a reaction to others words or behavior that is out of my control.

10. I accept that I can, have and will make mistakes and I am allowed to forgive myself and move forward on a better path.

11. I accept that I will always be damaged/affected by people I care about in my life and that I must be vigilant in my own recognition and seek treatment if I become sick because of it.

12. I accept that I am worth accepting these things for myself and those who care about me so I can have a healthy relationship with myself and others.