Tuesday, June 26, 2018

The Mysterious Universe

I try to be a good person. I try to align my actions with who I am and what I believe. When I fail, I try to get back on track, forgive myself, and focus on the person I want to be. I keep my faith that everything happens for a reason and, in the grand scheme of things, everything is exactly as its meant to be. I believe wholeheartedly in karma. I reap what I sew and the universe gives me the message I'm supposed to get about how to right IT, whatever IT was. When I've been in bad situations, when it felt like everything was just falling to pieces, when it seemed everything was destructing, when it reached a fever pitch that was intolerable, I always knew what was wrong. Deep down underneath all the facades and lies and denials to myself and others, I knew what change needed to come. I knew what path I was supposed to be taking. I knew what I had to do. Whether I wanted to do it or felt strong enough to do it or not, I knew what IT was. I knew how to right the ship. I knew what the universe wanted me to do. And I did it.

But right now, I'm being signaled and I don't know why. There are things happening that are beyond my control. There are things going wrong that are nonsensical and unusual. Things that are small when they happen alone, but are collectively massive. They are a message. I'm supposed to learn something. Something is supposed to change. Something needs to be done. I know this. I know it as well as I know how to breathe and walk and smile and cry. I recognize that the universe talking to me. It always has. It always will. I recognize these feelings of stress, pain, anger and desperation. I recognize the symptoms of my world out of whack. For the first time in my life, I don't know what I have to do. I have no idea what IT is. I can't figure it out. I don't understand.

My life is not in shambles. Things aren't wrong. I'm not pretending to be a champion swimmer while I try not to drown as I've done so many times before. There's no secret horror happening behind closed doors. I'm not faking it. My life is peaceful. Calm. Happy. Good. It's right. In almost every way, I'm in a better place than I've ever been in my life.  I've stumbled around in this safe cocoon of peace and normalcy and somehow managed to find forgiveness and healing. I've found a sort of strength I've never had before. The strength to stop being so strong. A strength to rest. A strength to ask for help. A strength to trust. A strength to believe that I am fundamentally ok now. And I am, fundamentally, ok. Nothing is wrong.

But the universe is throwing its message out there. It started in a low whisper. I heard it then but thought it was just hypervigilance. I was imagining a message where there was none. The message coincided perfectly with a change cycle that has been consistent throughout my adult life. Every few years, I finally stop ignoring the message from the universe and make the major change I know I am supposed to make. I thought I was just restless, but I have gained enough wisdom to know I can't ignore even a whisper from the universe. And I didn't.

I took a long road trip. I spent almost a month with no one but myself, all day, every day. I went places I'd never been. I got out of my comfort zone. I ate alone. I drove alone. I slept alone. I relied on no one but me. I sat. I walked. I listened. I thoroughly explored what the universe might be whispering to me and came up with nothing.

And then, I came home. I came back knowing with certainty that I was ok. I came back grateful that I didn't need a change. I came back with a certainty that I'd only felt one other time in my life, my time in Mexico. I came back from that trip and let myself be immersed in the peace I felt. I forgave myself for all the mistakes I've made. I forgave myself for the fumbling about I'd done in my life. I forgave everyone else as well. Everyone. People I didn't believe I'd ever be capable of handing my forgiveness.  I decided that was what the universe wanted from me. It wanted me to know that I was truly ok. It wanted me to forgive.

But it didn't stop. The whispering became a low rumble. The low rumble became louder, then louder still, until it became a scream. And I don't understand. I don't know what the message is. There's no denial. There's nothing I've missed. There's no bigger picture problem that I'm avoiding by focusing on little things. There's no false facade I'm maintaining to hide the deeper problem. There's nothing. Everything is good. There is nothing wrong. So why isn't everything working like it should? Why are things crumbling like they do when a change is necessary for survival? What is happening? And WHY?

In my world, there's no such thing as a "run of bad luck." There's no such thing as coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. My path is exactly as it should be and always has been. Every decision I've made, good or bad, had a purpose and a reason. I was to learn something. I was to make an impact here or there. I was to become everything I am. I will continue to become more with every experience. This is how it works. This is what I call "the universe" because I have no other word or phrase for it. Most people I know call it "God."

So, what am I to learn? What am I to change? I've explored every option. I went and talked to the ocean. I've meditated. I've even gotten good and drunk to let any pretenses or denials I might have had fall sloppily to the ground. Nothing. I am digging deep. And it's only made me surer that everything is as it is supposed to be. More positive that I am ok. But the universe keeps screaming louder and louder. It keeps throwing things in the way and refuses to stop.

I don't understand. I cannot understand. What does it want?

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Am I?

Are we meant to be together with one person forever? Thats what we are taught. That's what society hands us. And isnt that the goal, socially and inherintly? Isnt that why we flirt and date and seek and marry? To find a mate. Procreate. Reproduce. Find love. So we can be with someone, forever. But does that work? Are there really any couples who are celebrating 50 years together that can say that theyve all been good ones? That they have no regrets? That they wanted to be there all that time? Or were they there because they honored a commitment society told them to make.
I don't regret any relationship ending in my life. I only regret having promised not to end them. It was a lie. I knew it was a lie sometimes, didn't others, but it was always a lie. Is it a lie now?
He knows I'm up to something. He's even asked. Am I? I don't know.

Still

Here I am again. Frozen in a time that's both familiar and new. The merry go round has come around again and I am captured in another ...