Not a victim...

I often have a lot to say about what has or is happening in my world. The hurts and disappointments and even the cruelties and abuses. And yes, I talk about them. I talk about my feelings about them; the way they hurt me. I talk and write and cry and purge. But I also take blame. No human deserves many of the things I divulge have happened to me. None of it is right. Most of it is unacceptable. But I have not just been "unlucky." It isn't all by chance. I chose it one way or another.

Here's the thing. I got a lot of messages in my early life. And even if you have only ever stratched the surface of psychology, you probably know that those messages stick and are hard to remove. And when they removed, something has to replace them. It isn't like putting a new version of software on your conputer and the old one is erased and gone in one simple step and 1 minute reamining until the bar reaches 100%. No, it is more like the programmer having to go in, troubleshoot, sort through all the code, find the specific errors and delete them. But then, that programmer also has to go in and rewrite new code to replace the deleted errors. Then he has to go through a whole series of debugging and testing and debugging and testing until everything is functioning correctly and better than it was before. Then it is ready to release. After a while, new problems show up or new information comes along and the process starts all over again to make the program better and better. It's a long process. And it goes on as long as the program exists. The mind is the same.

So, these messages I received and the ones that have stacked on top of them since have to be deleted and reprogrammed. Every time I go through the process of reprogramming, I miss things or new messages come along and create new things that need troubleshooting. Some problems have been overlooked. Or, more correctly, I thought I fixed them but I only identified them and they weren't properly deleted and reprogrammed. They came up again. And new things came on top of them.

So, what's my point? I have issues just like everyone else. Everyone has some baggage of some kind. Some people were programmed better than others in the first place and their issues are easy to solve. But some, like me, weren't. And the program is complicated and messy and requires more.

Am I just an unlucky victim? No. I chose people in my life who act a certain way and do certain things.  Not on purpose. I didnt go to the people store and look for these features on purpose. No, some backdoor in my subconscious picked them for me. I chose to be treated this way. I can cry and whine and complain and ask for sympathy all I want. But somewhere in my programming, I have a section of code that requests people that do these things to me. And I thought I fixed that. I really did. But I didn't. I chose it again, however naively. However subconsciously. I chose it and I stayed with it. And the program worked just as I coded it to. And it was vulnerable to the same viruses.

I am not a victim. I am responsible for the things that have happened. I chose them. And there's little to do about what HAS happened. All I can do is go back in,  find the bad code, try to delete it, and try again to recode it. And until I do, I shouldn't allow that part of me to be released.

In other words, maybe I shouldn't try this relationship thing anymore. Maybe never again. Because I may never get that programming right. That part of me may just always be shut down for maintenance. All the same, I take responsibility. I know I am faulty. I know I'm imperfect and can't run smoothly. I know. And that's ok. I'll keep trying to get to those messages and dump them. I'll keep trying to reprogram them. That's the best I can do.