What the heck Codependency?

There's probably some reason you're reading this post. Maybe someone called you codependent? Maybe you've heard me call myself codependent. Maybe you internet searched it for some reason or another. And maybe you don't know what it is. Maybe you think you do.

First, it's important to note that anyone who's codependent is going to be immediately irritated, if not enraged, by the label co-dependent. The first time it was suggested to me that I was co-DEPENDENT, I spit out some response to myself that I wasn't DEPENDENT on ANYONE! I was IN-DEPENDENT not CO-DEPENDENT. It's all THOSE mother #$#%@s that were DEPENDENT on ME. I was CERTAINLY NOT dependent on THEM!  Heh. Um. Yeah. I was as codependent as they come. So, if your immediate response is similar to mine (including internal &*^#$^s), I hate to break it to you, but you need to keep reading.

What does Codependency mean? 

What is it?  Some describe it as an addiction. And in some ways it is. But your substance is not any drug or drink, it is relationships, love, a person or people. Some say it is less of an addiction and more of an obsession. If you were throwing expletives at the word dependent, you're probably throwing double expletives at the word addiction. Keep reading. 

These relationships, loves, people have some very specific characteristics, namely, you believe or perceive that they're "messed up" in some way and they NEED your help or they're completely unable to be emotionally available to you. And yes, you can detect this subconsciously and not realize that's what you're doing. Either way, these specific criteria are important to the codependent. 

The term codependent was originally defined as a person in a close relationship with an alcoholic or addict that has developed certain maladaptive traits in order to maintain these relationships. There's a long history of these identified behaviors, even appearing in the Alcoholic's Anonymous Big Book under the heading "For the Wives." Al-Anon was formed for family members of addicts and alcoholics in 1951. But the label didn't really appear until The 1980's with the publication of a series of books that I'll discuss later.

With research and time and the self report of people who identified with the "symptoms" of codependency, it has revised over time to be understood as a maladaptive, compulsive, self defeating set of behaviors that are learned, usually from childhood, in order to survive in a family system that is dysfunctional and distressed in some way. It is still quite common for a codependent person to have developed this as a family member of an alcoholic or addict, but this is no longer exclusive to addiction dysfunction. The family system may involve mental illness, chronic physical illness, abuse of all kinds, or even codependence itself. I've even encountered a (raging) codependent whose primary childhood dysfunction was religious zealousy. In any case, the codependent has developed this set of traits as a way to adapt to the environment they'd found themselves in and survive either physically or emotionally. Essentially, the codependent was originally a victim of some type of dysfunction. (If you're still reading, you stopped the expletives at that, didn't you? Well, you're not going to like the next sentence.) Once they've developed these traits, they take them into other relationships or family systems and become either a partner or the origin of dysfunction in this new place. 

What Do Codependents Do? 

But what does a codependent DO? What are they like?  And why do I keep using that (**$&* dependent word? As I've said, codependent seek out and become involved with people who are not (and cannot be) emotionally available to them; who have dysfunction; who need "saving"; who are addicts or alcoholics; who are abusers; who are "needy"; who are "messed up". No matter WHAT their dysfunction is (often all of these at once), there is one thing that persists; the person needs to be "fixed."  And MAN OH MAN, codependents are the superheroes of "fixers." They have capes and go into phone booths and come out to get to work. Except.... 

Before I get to that, I want to say that codependents have the best intentions. Codependents really believe they are doing what is right, helping, taking care of, acting in the best interest of, and falling on the sword for their "person" or "persons." They believe they are needed and their help, even if not wanted, is warranted and necessary. Except.... 

Codependents are so focused on their person (or persons) that they address ONLY that person's needs and behavior and care (and flaws, and problems, and shirt, and hairstyle, and zipper). They do not address their own. Their entire life becomes about that person. As a client once said; "He swallowed me." Or as I've often described it, the person had so much dysfunction that there was no air left in the room for anyone else to breath. Except there was air. I chose to give it all to my person and leave none for myself. When I pressed that client, she admitted; "I guess I actually swallowed him." 

Codependent become martyrs who always focus on the other person. It makes sense, doesn't it? If you grew up with a dysfunctional parent, you always had to focus on that person to keep yourself safe or take care of that person, or accommodate that person. You had no time to address any of your own needs or develop any of your own coping skills. You were too busy. So when you got older, you sought out people who were familiar and you thought this was how it was supposed to be. You were the caretaker, they were the center of attention and their needs were the only needs that mattered. You try to save them the way you either tried, or were too helpless to, save your parent. Even if you were basically neglected as a child and were essentially invisible, you did everything you could to gain the approval or attention from that parent. You had to grow up and be the responsible person and care for yourself, you weren't given enough emotional security to develop into an emotionally healthy adult. You learned nothing about boundaries in any case. And as a codependent, you have none. 

So, so far this sounds great. As a substance abuse counselor, I sometimes share the types of things I would do in my various relationships for alcoholics or addicts. They inevitably make jokes that they wish they'd have had someone like me in their lives when they were using! Someone only thinking of them and taking care of them. And I laugh and laugh and laugh and LAUGH. Because after that, I tell them the rest of the story. 

Codependents are setting themselves up for failure on every level. First, they get involved with people who they want to meet a need for. They NEED to feel needed and important in order to feel worthy. Codependents generally have very low self esteem that they keep hidden under a strong, stable, and "in control" outward appearance. They begin to try to control the relationship and their person. They begin to do their much needed job of fixing that person, often right down to their shoe lace choices. They begin to do everything for this person. They may make excuses for their behavior. They may take over their duties. They may work and allow that person to stay home because they are just so "broken" that they can't work, but then come home and also take care of the home and children and responsibilities as well. They may pull strings to get their child out of legal trouble. They may hide the behavior of the other person from the persons family or employer. At one point, I was not only working 60 or more hours a week to support one of my (many) persons, but I was also doing all the paperwork for his unemployment, relentlessly pushing mental health treatment on him, spending all of my energy "keeping him sober" and making excuses to anyone who inquired about his behavior. And I created that situation. It was voluntary. I was doing what I wanted to.

Except I was angry. I was controlling. I was a total bitch. And I resented him immensely. I was angry that he never met my needs. I was angry that I was having to work so hard and monitor his every mood. I was angry I had to take care of him. And guess what, he never did get "fixed." Nothing changed. He'd do this or that to appease me, but it would last a moment and he'd go right back to what he was doing. I had set myself up for failure. And I became a completely horrible, angry, nagging, controlling bitch. I didn't like myself. I didn't like him. I also had no idea that I'd become this. So I'd dig even deeper to do it all MORE because he needed fixing MORE so that he could finally be good enough to make me happy. I finally hit my breaking point and left the relationship. 

And I was destroyed. I was desperate. I felt like I had lost the love of my life. Because, codependents are "dependent" on being needed. They are "dependent: on dysfunction. They are "dependent" on controlling the other person. We mistake this for love. We are dependent on that other person. And when they're fully honest with themselves, they realize they were also terrified of the other person actually getting better and getting "fixed." And this is selfish. The codependent fears three things: 1. They will no longer have a purpose if they aren't needed. 2. Their person will no longer "love" them and abandon them if they do not need them anymore. 3. If they no longer have to focus on the other person, they have to look at themselves. 

Essentially, codependents are controlling, angry, resentful, miserable people who essentially have a very limited sense of self, are terrified of being abandoned, and are inherently selfish. Yet, they have good intentions and have no idea they are these people and feel like martyrs. It's complicated. And painful. And extremely confusing. I know, I've been there. 

Ok. Can I get a list or something?
The Traits of Codependents: 

There are 500 resources for finding lists of codependent traits. In my both professional and person opinion, there are two sources that nail it. These are two of those books I talked about earlier. Janet Woititz wrote a book in 1983 called "Adult Children of Alcoholics." In it, she creates the Laundry List for adult children of alcoholics (addicts/dysfunctional parents/narcissists/insert your own messed up type of parent). This list can also be used to describe behaviors/feelings of the founding dysfunction of codependents. Some ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) turn into addicts themselves, but in my personal estimation, 90% of them become codependents in one form or another. 

The Laundry List (Woititz, 1983)

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

But to get to the heart of codependency, I turn to my (and many other's) favorite expert on codependency, Melody Beattie. In her book, Codependent No More, she spends half of the pages defining and provided examples of codependency. She has an exhaustive list of codependent traits. I will include this list at the end of this article. She also developed a shorter checklist to determine if you are a codependent: 

Codependency Check List - Melody Beattie from Codependent No More. 

• Do you feel responsible for other people–their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
• Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
• Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
• Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
• Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
• Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
• Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
• Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
• Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
• Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don’t work, either?

If you feel, after reading this that you might be a codependent, Codependent No More (and the following Language of Letting Go) are ESSENTIAL reading. If you can relate to the Laundry List, Adult Children of Alcoholics will change your life. Both of these books literally saved my life. And my copies are full of penned notes, highlights, tattered and worn. You can purchase both via amazon for five bucks or less.

What do I do about it? 

Ok. You suspect you might be codependent. The answer to the above question is pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, there is no "treatment" specifically for codependency like there is for addiction. You'll need to seek out a therapist. Be forewarned, you'll need to shop around for a therapist that is competent in codependency and has resolved their OWN codependency! I recommend starting with addictions counselors and going from there. They will either be able to treat you themselves or be able to refer you to someone who knows what they're doing with a codependent. Alternatively, look for therapists that list addictions and codependency in their specialties. Some therapists, sadly, do not know what codependency is, much less how to treat it. And even more sadly, many therapists are codependents who have no idea that's what they are. (We are all HELPERS and FIXERS after all.) Having a codependent counselor treat a codependent is a disaster waiting to happen.

Second, find the appropriate self help group and GO. You may be afraid at first, but GO. Trust me. Al-Anon is magnificant, especially if your "person" is an addict of any kind. ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is also amazing even if your parent's dysfunction was not addiction. CODA (Codependents Anonymous) is IDEAL, but often difficult to find outside of metropolitan areas. You can find meetings in your area by visiting each of these groups web pages. You can also attend meeting only TRULY anonymously on websites like stepchat.com (my personal favorite).

And read those books I recommended.. ASAP!

A few more notes on Codependency: 

So there are a few more things I want to say about codependency before I turn you loose on the long, long list of characteristics below. 

1. The treatment for codependency is debated. Some believe that it is a temporary condition that can be treated and moved past. Some (myself included) believe that it is more like addiction or a mental disorder that requires lifelong treatment, either through 12 step support or maintenance mental health support. You make your own choice. I have "relapsed" in my codependency when I stopped going to meetings and thought I was "cured." This convinced me I'll always need support. 

2. The journey of recovery from Codependency is one of the most raw and painful things I've ever gone through. It takes guts, and humility, and open-mindedness, and a lot of self forgiveness. But it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. If you are truly codependent, it'll be the best thing you ever did for yourself. Trust me. 

3. Codependency is complicated. Some characteristics won't apply to you. Some will. It's not definitive. We're all different. We all got it somehow. We weren't born with it. You may NOT have gotten it in childhood. It's possible that you didn't; rare, but possible. Keep an open mind, but realize that it is not one size fits all. 

4. If you're reading this and thinking "MAN! That is JUST LIKE Julie (or whoever). I HAVE to tell HER about this to HELP HER"... you might want to re read this whole article and have a look in the mirror, then maybe share it with Julie (or whoever). 

5. Codependency can be passed down through generations. If this resonates with you, but you're afraid to admit it or get help; think about whether you want your children to feel how you feel. (PS. Alateen is awesome!) 

Ok, here's the list I promised. Thanks for hanging in here with me through all these words. 

Excerpted from Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody BeattieCharacteristics of Codependent People

• Caretaking: Codependents may:
  • think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
  • feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
  • feel angry when their help isn't effective.
  • anticipate other people's needs.
  • wonder why others don't do the same for them.
  • find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
  • not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
  • try to please others instead of themselves.
  • find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
  • feel safest when giving.
  • feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
  • feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
  • find themselves attracted to needy people.
  • find needy people attracted to them.
  • feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
  • abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
  • overcommit themselves.
  • feel harried and pressured.
  • believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
  • blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
  • say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
  • believe other people are making them crazy.
  • feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
  • find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.
• Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to:
  • come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
  • deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.
  • blame themselves for everything.
  • pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel , look, act, and behave.
  • get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents something codependents regularly do to themselves.
  • reject compliments or praise.
  • get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
  • feel different than the rest of the world.
  • think they're not quite good enough.
  • feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
  • feel rejection.
  • take things personally.
  • have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
  • feel like victims.
  • tell themselves they can't do anything right.
  • be afraid of making mistakes.
  • wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
  • expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
  • wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction.
  • have a lot of "shoulds."
  • feel a lot of guilt.
  • feel ashamed of who they are.
  • think their lives aren't worth living.
  • try to help other people live their lives instead.
  • artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
  • get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people's failures and problems.
  • wish good things would happen to them.
  • believe good things never will happen.
  • wish other people would like and love them.
  • believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
  • try to prove they're good enough for other people.
  • settle for being needed.
• Repression: Many codependents:
  • push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
  • become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
  • appear rigid and controlled.
• Obsession: Codependents tend to:
  • feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
  • worry about the silliest things.
  • think and talk a lot about other people.
  • lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
  • worry.
  • never find answers.
  • check on people.
  • try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
  • feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
  • abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
  • focus all their energy on other people and problems.
  • wonder why they never have any energy.
  • wonder why they can't get things done.
• Controlling: Many codependents:
  • have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
  • become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
  • don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
  • think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
  • try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
  • eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
  • get frustrated and angry.
  • feel controlled by events and people.
• Denial: Codependents tend to:
  • ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
  • pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
  • tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
  • stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
  • get confused.
  • get depressed or sick.
  • go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
  • became workaholics.
  • spend money compulsively.
  • overeat.
  • pretend those things aren't happening, either.
  • watch problems get worse.
  • believe lies.
  • lie to themselves.
  • wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
• Dependency: Many codependents:
  • don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
  • look for happiness outside themselves.
  • latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
  • feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
  • didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
  • don't love themselves.
  • believe other people can't or don't love them.
  • desperately seek love and approval.
  • often seek love from people incapable of loving.
  • believe other people are never there for them.
  • equate love with pain.
  • feel they need people more than they want them.
  • try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
  • don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
  • worry whether other people love or like them.
  • don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
  • center their lives around other people.
  • look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
  • lose interest in their own lives when they love.
  • worry other people will leave them.
  • don't believe they can take care of themselves.
  • stay in relationships that don't work.
  • tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
  • feel trapped in relationships.
  • leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
  • wonder if they will ever find love.
• Poor Communication: Codependents frequently:
  • blame
  • threaten.
  • coerce.
  • beg.
  • bribe.
  • advise.
  • don't say what they mean.
  • don't mean what they say.
  • don't know what they mean.
  • don't take themselves seriously.
  • think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
  • take themselves too seriously.
  • ask for what they want and need indirectly--sighing, for example
  • find it difficult to get to the point.
  • aren't sure what the point is.
  • gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
  • try to say what they think will please people.
  • try to say what they think will provoke people.
  • try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.
  • eliminate the word "no" from their vocabulary
  • talk too much.
  • talk about other people.
  • avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
  • say everything is their fault.
  • say nothing is their fault.
  • believe their opinions don't matter.
  • wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
  • lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
  • lie to protect themselves.
  • have a difficult time asserting their rights.
  • have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
  • think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
  • begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
  • apologize for bothering people.
• Weak Boundaries: Codependents frequently:
  • say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
  • gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
  • let others hurt them.
  • keep letting people hurt them.
  • wonder why they hurt so badly.
  • complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
  • finally get angry.
  • become totally intolerant.
• Lack Of Trust: Codependents:
  • don't trust themselves.
  • don't trust their feelings.
  • don't trust their decisions.
  • don't trust other people.
  • try to trust untrustworthy people.
  • think God has abandoned them.
  • lose faith and trust in God.
• Anger: Many codependents:
  • feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • are afraid of their own anger.
  • are frightened of other people's anger.
  • think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
  • think other people make them feel angry.
  • are afraid to make other people feel anger.
  • feel controlled by other people's anger.
  • repress their angry feelings.
  • cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
  • punish other people for making the codependents angry.
  • have been shamed for feeling angry.
  • place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
  • feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
  • feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
  • wonder if they'll ever not be angry.
• Sex Problems: Some codependents:
  • are caretakers in the bedroom.
  • have sex when they don't want to.
  • have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
  • try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
  • refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
  • are afraid of losing control.
  • have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
  • withdraw emotionally from their partner.
  • feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
  • don't talk about it.
  • force themselves to have sex, anyway.
  • reduce sex to a technical act.
  • wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
  • lose interest in sex.
  • make up reasons to abstain.
  • wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
  • have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
  • consider or have an extramarital affair.
• Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to:
  • be extremely responsible.
  • be extremely irresponsible.
  • become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
  • find it difficult to feel close to people.
  • find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
  • have an overall passive response to codependency--crying, hurt, helplessness.
  • have and overall aggressive response to codependency--violence, anger, dominance.
  • combine passive and aggressive responses.
  • vacillate in decisions and emotions.
  • laugh when they feel like crying.
  • stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
  • be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
  • be confused about the nature of the problem.
  • cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
  • not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
  • wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
• Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
  • feel lethargic.
  • feel depressed.
  • become withdrawn and isolated.
  • experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
  • abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
  • feel hopeless.
  • begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
  • think about suicide.
  • become violent.
  • become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
  • experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
  • become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

The preceding checklist is long but not all-inclusive. Like other people, codependents do, feel, and think many things. There are not a certain number of traits that guarantees whether a person is or isn't codependent. Each person is different; each person has his or her way of doing things. I'm just trying to paint a picture. The interpretation, or decision, is up to you. What's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.