Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Things I did not know...

I didnt know that years of being told how hideous and fucking disgusting my body was by one man would sincerely make me never believe any man when they said I was beautiful or attractive with or without clothes on again.
I did not know that I'd never want to be naked in front of a man again because of the systematic deprication by one.
I did not know that I could not so easily recover.
I did not know that I would ever flinch again thinking a man would hit me. I did not know that I would ever be hit again. And I certainly never thought I would be criticized for leaving a man who broke my face. Face breaking is a deal breaker. And I had no idea there were people who didn't agree with that.
I didn't know I'd be so insecure and need so much self talk after I finally left when I knew what was happening was wrong all along. When I THOUGHT stood strong.
I didn't know I'd not believe I could be liked again.  I didn't know how much damage was really done.
I had no idea people would be so angry and frustrated with me for refusing to stoop and destroy and go for the throat because I am so tired and done with ugliness and hatred and bad bad things. I didn't know there were very few that understood that I just want to stay kind and true to my OWN self and not revenge or harm or be unkind out of spite.
I didn't know that I would be unable to open up. To trust that anyone would or could approach me with any true anything because it had been so long since anyone had.
I didn't know how hard any of this would be. 

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