So, I would have never called myself a role model. I wouldn't look in the mirror and categorize myself any kind of inspiration. Most of the time, when I look I the mirror, I am just thinking what I imagine most people do. Things like "Is that a grey hair?" "I got a little mascara on my eyelid." "Where did those bags under my eyes come from?" "Hey! I look pretty ok in this shirt!" But, every time I share a success or a struggle on this blog or social media or somewhere, I find myself smack in the middle of a downpour of support. I get messages filled with words like "inspiration" and "thanks" and "courage" and "brave." It sort of blows me away. I never know what to say except to say how much I appreciate the words.
The thing is, I am just being me. Yes, I do go after what I want. No, I don't give too much regard to weird, limiting social constrictions and I don't let them choke the life out of my life. Yes, I have a disease or three that I mostly tell to kiss my ass and ignore and/or pretend isn't there. Yes, I am honest about every single thing I feel and don't feel. I own my failure and my success. But, I don't think I am any kind of hero. I am just a human who talks about humanness. A woman who doesn't think my vagina is a hinderance. A girl who doesn't mind admitting that she gets lost and emotional and then finds her way again. I am not that strong. I am not that brave. I fuss over my grey hair and have days that I feel like a total failure. Days when I second guess every decision I have ever made. Days I smile brightly and days when the tears roll steady. I have made an abundance of mistakes and had an abundance of successes. I'm just a human who writes about the crazy - beautiful experience of personhood.
So, why do I get these messages? Why do people see me as some sort of inspiration? Shouldn't everyone be honest about their experience? Shouldn't everyone grab life like an orange and squeeze it for all the juice they can get? Shouldn't everyone be drinking it up, pulp and all? Shouldn't everyone learn and then laugh if they choke a seed now and then?
Why am I so unique for typing it on a screen or shouting it out loud without worrying what people will think? Why doesn't everyone do that? Why am I "such an brave and inspiring woman" for just doing what I want. My life is only as "extraordinary" (that's another word) as I've chosen to make it. If you are reading this because you are "living vicariously through" me, I want you to do me a favor. Walk to the mirror, stare past your hair or your zit or your wrinkle and straight into your own eyes and ask yourself: "What is stopping me?" And you will have an answer. We all do. Instead of using that (maybe kind of long) list of answers to talk yourself out of living out loud, use it as a reason to start cleaning that crap out of your way. Some of it is as easy to toss as just saying "that's silly and unnecessary." Some of it takes a bit more planning to remove. Some of it is permanent and has to be factored in. But none of it is insurmountable. And if you compare yourself to truly inspirational people (that I don't count myself among) that list of things stopping you seems just plain silly. Seriously. I'm nobody any more "special" than you.
That said, keep the messages coming any time. They ALWAYS remind me that I'm doing this life thing ok. And always remind me that no matter who may not like it for a minute, it is ok to be honest about my humanness. And people appreciate it. And I appreciate that.
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